Maybe it’s because I am stoned that I feel inclined to write. I am having a hard time sharing personal information on social media. I feel such a pressure because I am starting a business that I need to be open and authentic and somehow show my entire being and soul through good looking pictures and words. It’s so limiting. I also know that instagram is such an essential part of our world today and If I want to grow my passions and share what I love with the world that I need to have a specific media presence and somehow find a way to put my self into little boxes and define who I am based on pictures. I think a lot of people feel the same. How the heck is someone supposed to put their whole personality into a post and be like this is who I am. It is so scary… to be perceived. As something, anything. I detest the whole thing. Yet here I am trying… I wanna be a human in this world without this crazy little window of boxes.To just look out in front of me. What is there and what is real. This is so hard to do. Because at times I think, what am I without this silly app. It shows me what inspires me, what makes me happy, what I am to people who perceive me on here. It’s really quite wild if you think about it.
My January has been slow, I forced it to be. I practically sat myself down and said hey, you are just going to take care of you for a bit and just do what feeeeels good to you. The inspiration will come soon. This translates to laying in bed with my cat, drinking wine, and talking to plants. So that is what I have been up to.
I did have grand plans, and they are still in place but I am over feeling the pressure to create and forcing it. In my experience it really comes out of the blue, and that is when you tune in and listen to it. As winter progresses and everyone sleeps, its the thought of change that keeps me up at. night. Change, I believe is the most human act we can take part in. Shift, adapt, flex.
I hold a lot of grief in my body, a lot of tension. Freedom is a word I come back to a lot. Freedom of body and mind. I realized the other day that I am constantly tense. The state of our world today constantly bombards me with despair, as it does many of us. A world that is seemingly free. Today the word freedom holds a lot of weight for me. When all I knew most of my life was a religion that was oppressive and based in strict obedience. When I was captive to this invisible illness in my head. When I am with plants, I know what true freedom is. I know what it feels like, smells like, sounds like. It feels like remembrance of humanity, what it truly is to be a human. It is really simple and has nothing to do with what the mass media broadcasts to us everyday, has nothing to do with power or money. It is connection, expression, creation, love. Everything I do in this life, every small action I bring awareness to these four ideas. I call them small revolutions. As a Cancer my passions run deep and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am passionate about this Earth, and every being that is a part of it. I am passionate about self expression. I am passionate about community resilience and healing. I am passionate about old ways of living and how they can be reintegrated into our lives today. I am passionate about history, about story.
In January I drink chamomile tea to remind me of light. And I eat meat to remind me of blood. I put my space heater as close to my bed as I can, my room is not well insulated. I dream and sleep, and pray.
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